It’s early May, and Mother’s Day is on our minds. However, beneath the shiny veneer of this revered day, there are often deep, complicated, and, sometimes, difficult emotions. In fact, Mother’s Day has become part of big business, from greeting cards to gifts to special Mother’s Day dinners at restaurants, Mother’s Day has joined the collection of “Hallmark holidays.” With all the buzz around this day being so happy/upbeat/celebratory, there can be an uncomfortable contrast/juxtaposition for those who have ambivalent or even negative feelings towards motherhood.
Parenting is, by far, the hardest job there is because it’s 24/7, for at least 18 years. Furthermore, in today’s economic conditions, more people are living at home in their 20’s and 30's – leading to a situation of parenting that goes on long after adolescence. And, for some, even into adulthood.
Even more challenging, mothers are held to unrealistic standards of perfection. The media teaches us that mothers should be warm; nurturing; smart; look great; be interesting; and have amazing careers.
On the day in which we honor mothers, it's important to remember that the vast majority of mothers do the best they can. The more we can forgive our mothers for their imperfections, and celebrate the strengths of women, the happier and healthier we will be, and serve as better role models for our children. When we get stuck in resentment, we often fall back on destructive behaviors that we want to avoid like overeating, purging, or under-eating.
On the other hand, some of us have a difficult time with Mother’s Day, because not everyone has or had a lovable mother. All of our mothers are imperfect, and it is natural to feel ambivalence toward your mother at various times. In the most egregious situations, whether your mother had a difficult personality or destructive behaviors, getting to a place of either forgiveness or acceptance is the healthiest way to move forward.
If not dealt with, ambivalent or angry feelings can lead to that extra dessert, since Mother’s Day is often celebrated in restaurants or at family parties filled with food, a challenge for many people. During these charged holidays, it is common to overeat, and for some, even purge. Rather than using food as a numbing agent, we need to work through those difficult feelings and know that no amount of food will help.
Lastly, one of the most difficult feelings to deal with on Mother’s Day is missing people we once held dear. Those who have lost a mother or a mother figure have pain associated with the joy.
The goal of Mother’s Day is to celebrate mothers and other caretakers, and to find meaningful and joyful ways to honor these important women in our lives.